Sorry to hear all this, Mrs P. Hope matters improve. Failing that, as the Turkish judge sais in 'Midnight Express', may it pass quickly.We're all missing your wit and wisdom here, an look forward to having you back- both here in Blighty, and to your old self.Best,Simon
Erm.... Oh... Blimey. It looks lovely HEREMake friends with the barman. And dance on the tables... you're on holiday, and when did you ever really bother about food?Sx
It says it's the World's most romantic resort and that it has 'Unique Beachfront Rondovals', and surely you have butler service - he must be up for a bit of a laugh?Oh the Rondovals are so cute!!! Have you got a Rondoval, I love it!!!Sorry. I'll shut up now.Sx
Shall I come???Sx
If you're being watched you could at least put on a bit of a show. At the very least stand on a table and pretend that you're Shirley Bassey.
Dear Mrs P, the first part of your exclamation certainly has potential for being a component of and excellent vacation. The second, qualifying, descriptor leads me to be a tad concerned that this is more of an unwarranted yucky experience. I have been lead to believe that hell is somewhat too hot and full of spikey people with pokerss. Please check-in to fucking heaven, do not pass go, do not collect $200, it might work better, though it might be a little bit dull and involve rampant hymn singing. Whatever, I suspect you are the most glamourous lady of your genre in the whole darn island, clearly you are under appreciated in your current venue,take care and a user-manualan unusually verboseWendums
Ah, Mrs Pouncer, you should have gone in January when the weather is more pleasant. I suggest you make the best of a bad job by finding a nudist beach. Running around starkers can be very liberating for humans.
I'm having trouble booking flights - will get back to you as soon as I know the details.Sx
Aren't Sandals holidays where people go to have it off with other people's husbands and wives?
Mrs P, this is _not_ the spirit that built the empire. Buck up, pull yourself together and what about a touch of crisare before lights out?
Many thanks to all my kind correspondents. Weather has been better today, not so humid and a bit warmer, but oh! the vulgarity of this undertaking has to be seen to be believed. I believe it is pissing down in Londres, which gives me some pleasure, and I have chummed up with the barkeeps, one of whom managed to produce a lucullan Aviation for me before lunch, and I hope to keep him on a retainer. Majority of other guests are Americans. A Mr and Mrs Nexwee (that name!) of Riceville, Tennessee, have adopted me. They hate Mr Obama but they love a laxative preparation called SwissKriss. This is what I am reduced to. Scarlet, do not bother coming; not even to get a load of my rondovals. Dear Gorilla, I am only here because Numb has engaged us on a cruise to Guadeloupe which leaves on Saturday. I will not be exposing my alluring flesh to the slavering voyeurs who bestride every bollard.This may or may not be the "most romantic resort in the world". For myself, I would nominate Climping for the title, as my most successful carnal manoeuvres took place in that purlieu. However, Sandals Antigua is endorsed by Peter Andre, Kerry Katona, the ugliest of the Nolan Sisters, the shortest Chuckle brother, Rabbi Lionel Blue and H from Steps. May the good Lord deliver me from such a grotesque roll call.Please think kindly of me in my plight. I just thought I heard an old macaw being throttled, but it turned out to be Mrs Nexwee karaokeing Dead Ringer For Love.
Oh, and PS If you think I'm having a bad time, just wait til you hear where Maroon is! In fact, there is a prize of two decorated cocoanuts for the first person to get him to post about it. And another thing, to Boyo: there is a young (27ish) woman here who looks just like Duffy, except with bigger tits. She wears a baby blue bikini that seems to be made out of tinsel. If I could traffic her to Emmer Green, I would, but she seems a bit choosy.
Mrs P Sandals whatever possessed you ??? . The worlds most romantic resort my ass and cabbage Miss Scarlet ,If you read the small print thats only if Butlins at Skegness is closed
Whilst it is nice to have my suspicions confirmed that foreign travel is not all it's cracked up to be, I cannot but feel sorry for your plight. Chin up, MrsP x
Hearing someone crying: "to me! To you!" in the next chalet all evening doesn't necessarily mean the Chuckle Brothers are in residence.
Well, I shall just have to build a Rondaval in my back garden. Next to the hot-tub. *Huff*Sx
I meant Rondoval... I could have a rendezvous in my rondoval... sorry, bored. When are you coming home? *Whinnnnnnnnnnnnnne*Dr Maroon is starring in 'Coach Trip' on C4, and recently visited a honey farm where he was ruffled by the local tour guide. I don't think he's going to last much longer though.Sx
Thank you all for your kind concern. Guadeloupe now postponed until Sunday due to trade winds or summat. I will publish a sumptuous new post about my Caribbean adventures before I leave, as Numb cannot be prised from his rigging. He may hope to canoodle in the companionway. He hopes in vain.
Dear MadamIsn't the Climping you mention somewhere near the less than felicitously named Littlehampton,not to mention Bailiffscourt?
Is life getting any better on the cruise?
Do send Numb a kir royale from me. And then push him overboard on the way to Guadeloupe and enjoy the rest of the holiday. The food there is divine, I've heard.
Forget Duffy, Mrs P, the Thames Valley needs you. My colleague Dazza swears by St Lucia - a pitong beer and an off-the-road jalopy is all you need.With you on Reb Blue, but never diss H out of Steps. He has powerful friends back in Wales, and their reach is long.
Antigua - Guadeloupe - and now on Marie-Galante. Guad. was gorgeous, and they played down the Cousteau vibe, which was a relief. Food fab. Ici on parle francais, natch, but the vowel sounds are blissful! Back to Guad on Tues, then Ant, then Miami, then H'row, then Reading, then home. Another week.