I know you will all be asking yourselves what I have done to deserve my glamorous life? I can sum it up in one word: Godliness. I am without question the holiest and most sinless person you are ever likely to meet. My popularity is boundless and my family rise up and call me sacred. I'm sorry, but there we are. If only you could be more like me, then you would find your lives running according to some graceful plan instead of the hideous mishmash of calamity and misunderstanding that is probably the hallmark of your existence.
I deserve everything that is coming to me, and probably more. I make no apology. I offer you my friendship and sincere condolences.