Today I came back from Henley via Caversham and I went to the big Tesco to buy a toothbrush, some Anadin Extra, fizzy water, kneidlach, a melon and some greaseproof paper. So far, so good. You will never guess, never in a million years, what they stock right next to the oral hygiene products? Cock rings. Honestly. Saw them with my own eyes. Durex-branded cock rings. In blister packs. And flavoured lubes - not so unusual, admittedly, but an exciting new range called "Lickyours" in Tia Maria, Creme de Menthe, Cassis and Baileys. Doing a roaring trade, too. Good old Dame Shirley. I am tempted to make my own from Trex and Tanqueray. We live in straightened times. Needs must.
And can I just say that Jacqui Smith's husband's porn film was called Raw Meat 3. I mean, honestly. Did he also watch Raw Meat 1 and 2? Has the world gone mad?
Don't forget that my blissful avatar disappears tomorrow, so do kiss it goodnight before retiring.
PS - I have just read today's Guardian (Mrs Rumteigh's bolshie nephew who's levelling my ha-ha left it on the credenza) and on page 12 I learnt that "women can orgasm on TV before 11 pm, rules watchdog". One person complained to the ASA about a woman apparently coming to an aria from the Magic Flute at 2100 hours. It was during an ad for Durex's new Pleasure Gel. Condoms are still banned before the watershed, though.
THURSDAY EVENING - I now learn from a VERY reliable source of mine that Mr Jacqui Smith watched two movies: Raw Meat 3 and Anal Boutique. Jesus. What is Anal Boutique about? I daren't even Google it just in case I get put on some list. On some other list. Who is Mr Jacqui? What do we know about this shady onanist? What is the Taxpayers' Alliance going to do about it?
Do they come in Moscow Mule?
ReplyDeleteSx
Worse still Mrs. P., they're selling them in Tesco in IRELAND!!
ReplyDeleteJesus, Joseph and Mary, It's the end of the world as we know it!
It wont be long before it's B.O.G.O.F.!
when I saw the title of your post on my little old sidebar I could not get here fast enough - purely in the interests of being Shocked and Disgusted of course.
ReplyDeleteWhatever next? Pornographic cakes at Carmelli's I shouldn't wonder.
Might I begin by expressing my profound and heartfelt sadness at the mere mention of the expiration of your beautiful eyes. *sigh
ReplyDeleteNow to the matter at hand. I too share your outrage at the explicit display of gettin'-it-onproducts being blatantly promoted in plain sight where people who are not "gettin' any" might catch a glimpse and wince at the painful reminder of their misfortune.
Must the corporate world throw heaping coals upon their already shameful existance? Dear Lord isn't it bad enough that these people are without a partner(s) who can supply them a semblence of carnal, toe-curling, pleasure?
Imagine the depths to which one's shame spiral descends upon even a casual glance of a package bearing the images of smug, smiling, post-coital, models grinning from ear to ear.
Those unemcumbered with routine spasms in their swimsuit areas should be regarded as objects for our pity and not our scorn. It is a tragedy in and of itself that so many people are not getting whatever floats their boat.
Perhaps a special section can be designed in the bowels of these gigantic merchandising emporiums where those in the midst of regular bouts of wanton carnality can be safely hidden from the involuntarily chaste, the self-inflicted celibate, and despondent chronic wankers.
I would be pleased to sign any petition that your organisation submits in order to expedite this matter and let les miserables enjoy a modicum of dignity.
Aren't homosexual men the main target market for cock rings? This is a question for men of the world like Dr Maroon, who are heterosexual yet inquisitive about the side.
ReplyDeleteWhat side? Backside? What are you saying Mr Gorilla Bananas: that I have a backside curiosity?
ReplyDeleteDr.Maroon: Please submit a photo of your backside to me immediately.
ReplyDeleteI have a collection, you know.
Or do they have a lot of male strippers in - is it Henley or Caversham? Is there perhaps a shortage of any other sort of entertainment?
ReplyDeleteCome to that (if you'll forgive the locution), why is Lord Numb nub?
MJ You claim ownership of that collection of pictures of my backside. How much do you want for the negatives?
ReplyDeleteScarlet! Only a savage would come in a Moscow Mule. You've taken that too far.
Ax
Dr.Maroon: Allow me to clarify.
ReplyDeleteI have a collection of photos of male Infomaniac readers’ backsides immortalized here.
I require a photo of your pleasing posterior now.
Phew, I thought I was the only person who'd noticed the cock rings! They sell them in my village chemist as well. I might venture in an buy one to start the village rumour mill off!
ReplyDeleteBloody Hell MJ, I'd win hands down out of that lot. Ask Kim if you don't believe me.
ReplyDeleteYou terrible old thing Clarissa!
ReplyDeleteThose things over there are for capturing the drips from the spout of your teapot. And *that* is a tube of Primula soft cheese with pineapple. I can't say that I approve the use of either but they wouldn't really frighten the horses.
The chocolate rabbits are a bit beyond the pale, though.
Dr Maroon is accusing me of taking things too far....? Best compliment I've had all year....
ReplyDeleteSx
I have some lovely fowl photos on my last post I believe there is a cock amongst them.
ReplyDeleteTotally useless, therefore necessarily essential ! I hallucinate !!!!A remake of "The War of the Roses"
ReplyDeleteCock rings, sold in "blister packs", how appropriate.
ReplyDeleteTalking of Raw Meat 3, a Burridge player, who wil remain nameless, bought some mucky films off the internet.
ReplyDeleteWith his purchases he got the fabulously titled 'Shit and Piss 2,' which begs the question - surely they used all their material during 'Shit and Piss 1.'
When are we getting to see the bottom half of you then, Pouncer. My life's been leading up to that moment.
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ReplyDeleteScarlet, I think Dr Maroon has already answered your extremely lascivious question. And in the Holy Season of Lent, too! For shame.
ReplyDeleteHello, Mapstew! I'm afraid I can't believe you. My dear old grandmother on the distaff side owned a shop in Drumcondra and wouldn't stock cruet sets in case they were put to improper use. Have things moved on so far that the Irish people are now able to buy cock rings with integral clitoral stimulators? I hope not.
Hello Frencho! There's been porn at Carmelli's for aeons - witness my good self working through about 3lbs of cheesecake there when I was pregnant with twins. Imagine the obscenity of THAT sight. Beigel nirvana, though, do admit. Cream cheese like putty (which is how I like it) and lotsalox.
ReplyDeleteDonn, I have the petition here, although the signatures seem rather shaky, and the paper's rather crunchy. Yesterday at the local Range Rover dealership, I saw a poor punter covered in confusion when his cock ring worked loose and fell down his trouser leg "again", as he said. You see? They are all the rage in the Thames Valley; men wear them as casually as carcoats.
Darling Gorilla, well that may be true of the STANDARD sort, but the ones in Tesco incorporate a clitoral stimulator which would be rather wasted, do admit. And is Maroon inquisitive? He looks rather jaded to me.
Maroon, get your ass to MJ's with all available haste.
MJ I have examined your collection and, frankly, was sick to my stomach. The only remedy is a shot of Kev in a Durdon's Patented Union Suit.
Mark Reeves! Welcome! Everyone gather round. Mark Reeves is the sort of pulchritude that I hope to attract in future. As you see, he is young and fit, vigorous and athletic, and a Welsh, which will cause Boyo to up his game, one hopes. You are welcome indeed, Mark. And yes, do buy a cock ring; start the rumour mill and send photographic evidence to MJ quicksticks.
Auty you are naughty, and you reveal a knowledge of South Oxfordshire that belies your metropolitan status. There is a Tesco in Shiplake, but the big store - the one that Boyo frequents - is in Caversham. There is no lack of entertainment in either of those places! God bless you, at the last regatta I saw a young Carthusian put 27 boiled sweets into his mouth! He was cheered to the echo by his baying friends, and if that isn't top-class fun then I'd like to know what is. In Caversham things are Cambrian. Boyo has turned that place around, I can tell, you with his Welsh tribute bingo (Llegs 11; 2 llytl dwchs 22, 2 ffat lladies, etc) and his rap act Snwppdogg y Ddogg.
ReplyDeleteKev, the trouble is that "a thing to catch the drips off your spout" sounds like a vile euphemism and Scarlet is BOUND to pick up the Primula reference and run with it. She will say someting beastly about her Smeg fridge, or yeast infections. Or both, probably.
Oh where is Barry Teeth at a time like this? I do miss him so.
Yep, I keep yoghurt in the Smeg for the yeast infection as Primula isn't as effective. Actually it was probably the Primula that caused the flipping infection in the first place.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, is it the big day tomorrow???
Sx
Clarissa dear, I fear you may be either suicidal or drunk tomorrow so I'm getting my four pennorth in now to wish you a happy five oh - an oxymoron if ever I heard one - and to applaud your performance in "The Piranhas". That fur jacket, much like yourself, has seen better days, but your description of the Piranha Brothers was uncannily reminiscent of a certain Mr James Bastard and his estranged twin brother, who I believe is well known to the Perthshire social services. 50 is a now-or-never age, Clarissa, so carpe diem, in fact carpe anything. See you on the other side, old girl.
ReplyDeleteKeep your CAPON, Pat, and no FOWL language here, please. Things aren't what they ROOSTER be, and....erm.... no, that's all I got. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteGadjo, why is it appropriate that cock rings come in blister packs? Is blister a euphonium for something jizzy? I want to know. Tell me. In secret, if necessary.
Emerson baybee, calm down to a frenzy. My bottom half will be up for grabs tomorrow night, believe me.
Hello, Barbara. Come back. Your fleeting visit makes me nervy.
Crabchen, es stellt hohe Anspruche an den Leser!
Scarlet, I will thank you to keep your trap shut. Yes, it is a big day tomorrow and the less said the better.
Oh God, too late. Daphne overheard you. Daphne, dear, come in. The morrow shimmers before me like an oil slick. It is as if the Torrey Canyon has come to grief on the Kennet & Avon canal. There is no way of avoiding the dawn, and I may yield to the night (vide D. Dors) but may I thank you for this gracious tribute. Some think I have carped far too much in recent months, aber die Note und Sorgen der kleinen Leute have never interested me. Danke.
Can I just ask how often you've had this fiftieth birthday?
ReplyDeleteHave a good one anyway!
Kev, we are on the countdown. Less than 3 hours. I will still be up. Meet me here one minute past midnight and be first to embrace me.
ReplyDeleteWell, here I am. Is that you, Clarissa, swatched in acres of wincyette?
ReplyDeletePoor me.
ReplyDeleteGoodnight everyone wherever you are.
Poor you nothing. Have a riotous day but remember to give a false name at the Assizes.
ReplyDeleteHAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteSXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
happy birthday, sugarpie! xo
ReplyDeleteI've just had an interesting encounter at Cape to Rio. I witnessed the uncensored version. I will be having funny dreams...
ReplyDeleteThat was so funny, I'm glad I stayed up...
Best Wishes, always,
Sx
What do you mean it was so funny?
ReplyDeleteYou wish.
Goodnight Scarlet my darling.
I just thought that one would get blisters on one's cock if one used one! (You know, the chafing, etc).
ReplyDeleteThank you each, as Gyppo (and where's HE ffs?) would say. And Scarlet, what did I miss? Would I have liked it? Can we play a birthday guessing game: animal, vegetable or mineral? Was it animal with strong vegetable connections?
ReplyDeleteGadj, you would only get blisters if you didn't take it out of the blister pack first. I see the seedbed of a good tongue twister here, so to speak.
Then I've clearly missed the entire point; I thought it was to increase friction, or something. You can always get blisters from friction. Maybe it's something you use to stop a tap leaking.
ReplyDeleteI imagine Gyppo is permanently down the Tethered Goat with Boyo smoking HUGE cigars and marvelling about the miracle of childbirth.
Erm... it was animal, connected to two vegetables.... snigger...
ReplyDeleteSx
Gadj, you are living in a fool's paradise. The point of a cock ring is to make an erection bigger and harder by way of constriction, and to make the climax more intense because of the forced delay. I am a doctor's daughter, so I can speak frankly about these things. Also, your good lady wife is a nurse, and so I don't feel embarrassed in your presence. The shade of my father and the chaperoning influence of Mrs Dilo make everything alright, don't you feel?
ReplyDeleteScarlet you appall me. And on my birthday, too. This evening, I am to be wined and dined, then grind* from behind. Numb is up from Warwickshire where he's been shooting over gorsey acres.
*this is how we pronounce it in the Thames Valley. Give way to the right on a rindabite would be another example.
Is it still your birthday in your time zone?
ReplyDeleteI am on a different planet and cannot possibly know these things.
I raise my glass to you!
Birthday salutations, Mrs. P! As I am a year older than you, I can attest to the fact that turning 50, while a momentous occasion, is definitely not the end of the road, nor the slippery slope to dodderhood.
ReplyDeleteI trust you will have a lovely day, enjoying the wining, dining and grinding in whatever order you so desire!
Ohhh, I see, that's what it's for. You live and learn, eh? Yes, no need to beat about the bush with me. Your father was a doctor and Mrs Dilo though a simple country girl breathes the same air as doctors 37.5 hours a week (after they've finished wih it, obviously) and so's probably heard about such things by now.
ReplyDeleteIt's your birthday?? Many many felicitations!
Happy birthday Mrs P and apologies for being late. I was eating cake and it takes time to digest all the cream.
ReplyDeleteWaitrose is also ours, Mrs P, with the stress on the last syllable in the Welsh stylee.
ReplyDeleteThe late Sioba Siencyn and I were consiering setting up a Caversham Welsh boy band some time ago, to be called Stitch That. The first album, Niggaz With Altitude, would have been adorned with a photo of us posing atop Snowdon. Transgressional!
Happy birthday. I'll send over Achmed with some linseed oil for your poor knees.
xxx
"I'll send over Achmed with some linseed oil for your poor knees."
ReplyDeleteIs that what she was doing for her birthday?
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ReplyDeleteHello, MJ sent me.
ReplyDeleteCock rings in Boots? I can live with that. Though Boots in Co....nevermind.
What I want to know is: Has anyone patented the flavoured cock ring yet? And if they haven't, do you think I'd get rich doing it?
Thank you, Boyo, I need some unguent. This weekend I have made efforts to understand our dogs; they seem peevish and truculent. I have quite literally put myself in their position and it paid dividends, believe me.
ReplyDeleteDr Maroon, I am heartily glad you saw fit to delete your comment. I can scarcely bear to imagine the voluptuary content, or the lascivious suggestions it held. Please forward same to me at usual email with all available haste.
Kevin, what I did for my birthday is no concern of yours. I spent the day in quiet contemplation, graciously receiving words of commendation and affection from family members and loved ones. Then I got completely pissed with Numb and cha cha cha'd to Ray Conniff into the early hours. At 4.00 am, my face a mask of smeared mascara, my mouth glued with de Kuyper, and with nothing on but my froufrou knickers and balconette bra, we started a noisy argument about (what else?) gas pokers of the detachable type, with safety plug sockets, which can work in conjunction with fixed and portable appliances. Dawn broke to find Numb referencing gravity feed boilers. He lives in the past.
Kapitano, welcome indeed! The patent is pending. However, my good friend Inkspot (sorry, don't do links) is anxious for a Cockburns Special Reserve lube. If you get in quick, you might make a killing. He's minted.
Happy birthday from the gutter.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday fair and merciful Erudites, goddess of lingua, luxurious libations, and living embodiment of ooh-la-la!
ReplyDeleteAs I have evaded the fickleness of the Fates and have somehow seen fit to procure 18,615 days on this bloody planet..a scant 365 more than you by my rudimentary calculations..I can only hope that you will continue to maintain a soft spot nestled in the valhallic chambers of your bosom for ever-so-slightly older, mere, mortals such as yours truly.
I pray that you continue to accept my meager offerings of thinly veiled wantonness publically displayed (until now HIC) as contained, polite, adoration, and an unbridled awe at your wordplay. I dare say that your keyboarding is unequalled on the Interwebs. Seriously.
What the hell, since this is YOUR day, and I am well into my 14th Kahluac Coffee, sorely lacking moral discipline, and cursed with a tendency to ignore temporary restraiing orders...
I don't mind telling you, (everyone else can bloody well close their eyes for a moment) that just between you and me and the barn door ;) my secret machinations may or may not involve a certain man and a certain woman, who inextricably find themselves marooned within the velvety confines of a "Blue Lagoon" type scenario on a verdant, tropical island...
and to hell with volleyballs named Wilson.
*bites down on palm
Aaah-ha-ha-ha. Yes. Well then. The faint hope clause of Life keeps us all moving forward does it not?
Happy Birthday MRS Pouncer, lest I forget my place again...
and many, many, more to come.
XX OO
Capital, Mrs P! I'll make sure Achmed pops some biscuits round as well.
ReplyDeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteI think Big Speed Vibrating Cock Ring the Big O is the world's only nine speed auto-changeable vibrating ring. cock rings