Thursday, 19 March 2009


Yes, we are going to Joe Allen again.  Wanna come with?  2.00 pm; usual table.

Scarlet will flash her pants and have one Mule too many. 
I will be bringing Sexy Back.

The following boxes will be ticked. No need to thank me:

Kev - I will wear elbow-length gloves.  Black.  Pigskin. Oi gevald, so sue me.

Boyo - I will channel Fenella, stink of Guerlain and take you out for a smoke.

Auty - of course I'm Lady Isobel Barnett!  Frisk me for stolen goods.

Inky - in my view, the Alexandrian culture had foreshadowed  the three great developments in the mathematical awakening which accompanied the rise of the Protestant democracies. The cartography of Ptolemy and the curves of Apollonius embodied the essential features of Cartesian geometry.  I've got loads more of this, Inky.  Wanna crack it open with me?

Gadj - I am an English Rose; Juliet Mills, district nurse, the full uniform. Bike.

Crabtree - Aux innocents, les mains pleins.

Farrish - Just see me as Yvonne Romain at her best: a maidel mit a klaidel, you old Bohmer.

Gyppo - Yeah, I'm paying.

I'm bringing sexy back,  those other girls they don't know how to act
I think it's special what's behind your back
Just turn around and I'll take up the  slack

Dirty babe, you see these shackles baby I'm your slave
I'll let you whip me if I misbehave
it's just that no-one makes me feel this way.

What charming sentiments! Young Mr Timberlake should be proud of himself, and so should his mother. However, if you want to see a White Russian worked over by an expert, you should hurry to Exeter Street tomorrow and ask for me by name.

Love you.


  1. Le titre d'un vaudeville de Lambert Thiboust !!!
    Nos mains révèlent un peu plus que les mots ...le reflet de notre humeur, notre métier, nos cultures.
    Dans vos mains gracieusement gantées ,je dépose une gerbe de mots plus doux les uns que les autres et...!En toute innocence une fleur de paradis !

    Our hands reveal some more than the words...the reflections of our mood, our trade, our cultures.
    In your hands gracefully gloved ,I put down a sheaf of words more soft some than the others and...! In all innocence a flower of paradise!


  2. What's all this about Scarls having a flash in the pants? It would be so much fun to be a fly on the wall.

    Maybe I'll disguise myself as a
    badass supafly mofo from Tennessee like JT.
    I still think that JT was 'in' on Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction, don't you?

    JT don't talk like them thar reglar hillbillies..nosirree..he be one hep honkycat...sheeeet...he be talkin' like a gangsta y'all.... dig it...mofo gonna tap dat ass uh-huh...know what I'm say-yon!
    Whatchoo talkin 'bout bony ass cracker?

    (that's exactly how he jives on talk shows?)

    Have fun and give them Russians hell!

  3. Crabtree reminds me of the standard English translations of various French terms:

    Corps = field

    Champ = stack

    Faisceau = sheaf

    Gerbe = gerbe, we've run out of words.

  4. Mmmm, an English Rose, I'm getting worked up - Inkspot's French translations helped a bit too - and I do hope that there will also be matins bells ringing and the thwack of leather upon willow.

  5. Good morning Mrs P... I'll obviously have to wear my best knickers now...

  6. So many questions: Joe - any relation to Lily and Keith? Mule - a drink? Hooray I liked the glove joke. Fenella - Fielding? Guerlain - H'heure bleu?
    Scarlet - auburn?
    Have fun:)

  7. The modern take on sexy is way too expensive (financially/emotionally)

    I'm doing 'au naturelle in the garden close to a woodshed with a loaded mug or tea, a slight sweat and leaves in my hair.

    Think Barbara Good.

  8. Do you realize the frequency with which the pronoun "I" figures in your posts, Clarissa? I will not be there, as I fear I wouldn't be able to get a word in edgewise. And anyway, Aunty M's in town and the Brussels blogging community is gathering in her honour. Scarlet, don't let her intimidate the waiters.

  9. Mr. Coppens and I are too far away here in The Colonies to join you at such short notice.

    Will you post the proceedings on YouTube?

  10. Perfectly just!! Inkspot,

    That being said, with a nuance!
    And then confess that I make the effort?

    All my friendship

  11. I trust all went well, and no-one was asked to leave. I have fond memories of Joe Allen's, but sadly tender ones, from the time I was going out with A Theatrical. I would never have associated the place with Lady Isobel, though. And, Mrs P, if you insist on channelling her, beware of bathtime, is all I can say.

  12. I think we need photographs of the event. Is the Police Gazette online these days?

  13. have a grand time! xox

    (thank you for your kind words of support!)

  14. Cher M Crabtree,

    Merci de votre justice et de votre peine! La nuance, elle est tordue un peu, c'est vrai.

    Bien a vous,


  15. Merci M Inkspot!

    Un bienfait n'est jamais perdu !
    Toutes les nuances sont dans la nature et de bonne guerre .
    J'accepte même l'ironie ,je n'ai point de complexe !!

    Bien amicalement ,


  16. Did you walk by Mr Auty, whilst I was waiting for Mrs P? It looked like you... and you smiled... was it????

  17. Crabtree, mon brave! Il sera plus interessant quand les gants sont enleves. Avec affection, comme toujours, Clarisse xx

    Mr Coppens, darling, as I just said to Crabbers above, it gets more interesting when the gloves come off. And that is to be my new shtick. Gloves off. More straight-talking like Mr Timberlake; less amiability. I think you will like it.

    Wendy, you paint a charming picture. I am thinking Barbara Good, and also Margot Leadbetter. Now I am thinking of Andy (Tom and Jerry's boss) who used to make occasional appearances and of peapod burgundy. I am also thinking of you, and send my love. Cx

    Inky, well, yes. Field, stack, sheaf. It's like some exciting code. Some people may get suspicious! Credo nos in fluctu eodem esse.

    Gadjo, plenty of thwacking when I'm around, to be sure. I am happy to channel Juliet Mills, Kay Kendall and Shirley Eaton for you at the drop of a hat. Or anything else.

    Scarlet, your underwear is of no consequence to me. However, onlookers may be disappointed if it proves to be commodious grey stuff with perished elastic. Remember your mother's words (clean underwear in case you get run over) and revise them (Rigby and Peller in case you pull).

    Pat, we had fun. Joe Allen is a dingy dive becrammed with theatricals and other charlatans. The barstaff are inept and the prices outrageous. In other words, it suits me and Scarlet to a T.

    Daphne, dear, well of course! It's all about me. Always. In perpetua. The waiters wouldn't be intimidated; quite the contrary. I grappled with the carte as if it were a giant stingray, whilst they were backing and advancing with the huge grinder. It was nightmarish. But Scarlet, as ever, was good value. And she sang like bird. Like a bird, I tell you.

  18. Crabtree, encore! Dis moi qui tu hantes, je te dirai qui tu es.

    Auty, well, of course, although I believe that Pifco's stock rose exponentially after That Event.

    Kev, a photograph was taken by a kind young plongeur who had come to peg his Marigolds out. It features us smoking in the gutter of Exeter Street. I am holding onto the window grille with the last inch of a Consulate in my mouth, and Scarlet is trying to get her Zippo to spark. Every picture tells a story, and I think you will see the saga depicted therein.

    Savannah, you have returned, and I thank the good Lord above for small mercies. Next time you are in Londres, we will spirit you away to J. Allen just to see you get to grips with a Grasshopper.

    Inkspot and Crabtree, yeah yeah. Was konnen wir daraus entnehmen?

    MJ, it's already up. Search Keywords: Scarlet Pouncer Pissed Sour Cream Endive Salad Sambuca Conflagration Ejected.

    Hurtful, Scarlet, very. I was delayed because of that silly unpleasantness at the Licenced Cab Rank at Paddington. Tourists should ALWAYS give precedence to an Englishwoman in her prime and understand that the very sight, let alone the smell, of a rucksack is likely to enrage her. Auty may well have passed you on the pavement. I had sent him on as an outrider but,as usual, he was distracted by some appalling market stall emblazoned "A Salute To British Cheeses". He is very easily bedazzled by dairy produce.

  19. I haunt there , where remains Of charming Dames which has, a third of "répartie" ,a third of "humour",a third of "talent" and then there a big third of kindness !!!
    I think that the proportions are just ...!?

    Avec beaucoup d'affection

    Inkspot and Crabtree " Was konnen wir daraus entnehmen?"

    Maybe a frank and critical friendship ( et Un chouilla d'humour )!!?

  20. Apologies for not wishing you happy hunting, Mrs P, but I've been distracted by family ephemera. Glad to hear you had a high time, and I'm sure you did La Fielding proud.

  21. Crabtree, c'est le ton qui fait la chanson, alors.

    Boyo, I simply cannot imagine what sort of ephemera has been distracting you. Is it a collection of old ration books and Tutfy Club membership cards? It is all lumber, man. Refine and simply - that's my motto! Burn or destroy anything not directly relevant to the day. Carpe diem, Boyo, and no sitting in the corner with the Brooke Bond Album of British Butterflies. Thief of time, you know.

  22. It's years since I've been to Joe Allens - I feel homesick for their burgers now, damn you Mrs P.

  23. Frenchie, how nice! Scarlet and I always have the same thing, which is an endive salad, small piece of salmon and heavy on the beetroot. I see you and Auty call it Joe Allen's, whereas S and I say Joe Allen. I wonder who is right? As usual, I am proprietorial about it.

  24. It was indeed an excellent lunch... and I was educated; a Moscow Mule is a Singapore Sling.
    I would very much like to see Mr Boyo's Brooke Bond Album of British Butterflies... perhaps we could swap cards?

  25. Make sure that they're real British Butterflies and not one that he's made up on the back of a beer mat!

  26. Scarlet, I have had a rather snooty note from Boyo, pointing out that his album is in fact a Murrough's Welsh Brew Tea Collection. The cards all feature illustrations of Welsh slate at its most disappointing: coasters, wall-plaques with Croeso on them, house-numbers, small statuettes of Victor Spinetti etc. etc.

  27. I see by your choice of dish that you take better care of the Pouncer body than I do of mine.

    Incidentally you are now clamped to my sidebar so I can follow your exploits more carefully. You remind me of all those women whom I used to gaze at in NW11.

  28. Frenchie! What are you saying? The Pouncer body has not been treated as a temple. No, more like a flesh-covered cocktail shaker. I am a vigorous self-medicator, and one of the truly great smokers of my generation. For many years I supported a barbiturate habit that earned me a place in several annals, and I only keep away from sunbeds when I'm fasting. Yes, it's true that I'm a body fascist (re the beetroot, for eg) but the brand managers at Louis Vuitton openly admire my leathery old peau. Spooky of you, though. I lived in NW11 for several years (Woodstock Road) and was often gazed at. You are probably more familiar with the Hendon Rasp than you let on. The London Borough of Barnet is a strangely maligned place.

    Kev, I have in front of me an album of cigarette cards (Radio Celebrities) and I open it at random. I think we might have a future as an Ernest Butcher & Muriel George tribute act. '"They put Ilkla Moor on the Map" says the blurb "and they fill the stage with flags". In these recessionary times, one needs a fall-back position.

  29. In these recessionary times, one needs a fall-back position.

    Mr Boyo will be alright then. Slate coasters never go out of fashion.

  30. Well, my drugs of choice were the opposite end of the spectrum and were duly dispensed by doctors in Harley Street and Northway, NW11. I think actually that the Harley Street ones managed to get struck off.

    Yes, the Hendon twang is not unfamiliar and much gentler on the ears than the oiks in Ilford (apologies to said oiks)

  31. Don't panic! I have no Ilford Oiks amongst my gracious readership. I am a doctor's daughter; the Barb. habit was a busman's holiday TBH.

    Scarlet, slate coasters have never been rigueur; especially not in NW11. Actually coasters in all their guises are loathsome, and I visualise a post on this very subject. Hateful Table Dressings I shall call it. You see, it's a public service, really. People will flock to learn what should be avoided. I fully imagine your maisonette is becrammed with such flimflam; and probably with vulgar slogans on them.

  32. Scarlet thanks for the mule translation. I had a gin sling at Raffles but felt it wasn't really strong enough.

  33. I open my soiled cigarette album ("Radio Fun With Cobden's Gaspers") and alight upon The Great Chiropodo. "He fills the stage with nail clippings." Great bill matter but missing something on 2LO.

  34. But coasters are so versatile and useful... look I can even get them with my face on.

  35. Scarlet,do you really want a White Russian slapped across your visage? I know I do.

  36. My maternal grandparents were white Russians but I don't think they slapped anyone. Well, maybe the odd Bolshevik.

  37. Pat, some of these places dilute drinks to an unforgivable weakness. The only bars I trust are: the main one at the Frankfurter Hof, The Fumoir at Claridges and a terrible place called Chez Zanzan in Rennes.

    Kev, and they say burlesque is dead! You seem to run your library like a Palace of Varieties, if you don't mind me saying. Have you considered some subtle re-branding there? I see you be-Brylcremed and in patent leather pumps, possibly with a wheeled xylophone in the large-print section.

    Frenchie, I welcome all-comers here. There is no prejudice. My own pedigree is vile.

  38. If it's in Rennes of course it's terrible. The last time I went there was by TGV. Grande Vitesse my eye. It was a totally ordinary train, complete with delays, cancellations and overcrowding.

  39. Inky, please don't be mean about Rennes! In July last year I bought a small but well appointed apartment in Place Hoche. Rennes is parfait; such vibey bars and people pissing in the streets quite openly. And so easy to get to Pornic for my high colonics. Really, what's not to like?

  40. Indeed, we do have a touch of the Fred Karno's about us