Sunday, 11 January 2009

REIGNING MEN

Just for January

1. Ike Perlmutter
Wotta Marvel

2. Fabio Capello
Have we met?

3. Lucian Freud
mmmm .... turps

4. Dizzee Rascal
Fix Up, Look Sharp

5. Farrish
The Muswell Hill Momzer

6. Jay McInerney
Who wouldn't?

7. Colton Parsons
Jailbait

8. Adrian Schiller
Hit me with your rhythm stick

9.  de Ridder of Bruges
My frisor

10. Sir Philip Green
Paunchster

Bubbling under: Blake Fielder-Civil, Coolio, Meir Dagan,  Kevin Musgrove

Nowheresville: Tommy Sheridan


35 comments:

  1. I've never heard of any of these people. Except Kevin Musgrove. He must be the only real celebrity in this list.

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  2. I've never heard of any of these people. Including Kevin Musgrove.

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  3. Oh, of course, I have heard of Mr Freud, the artist.

    I was going to wittily confuse him with every other Freud, and say that he is the grandson of Sigmund and the brother of Clement - but then I realised he actually is.

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  4. There's a fair few names here I don't recognise. Not that I doubt for a second your interest is purely intellectual.

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  5. Next year I will be on that list Mrs P, believe me, my star is on the rise! And after I wipe the board in some poetry competitions there will be loads of birds after me!

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  6. I know Kevin and Uncle Meir. The others might as well be types of stock.

    What no laydeez?

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  7. Boyo! 'bout time. No laydeez because my fabulously inventive pun-title precludes it. And you, of all people, know who Ike Perlmutter is.

    Barry, you may well be on my chart next MONTH if you play your cards right! In the meantime, here is a list of men who will never feature:

    1. Noel Edmonds
    2. Ayatollah Khomeini
    3. Little Jimmy Osmond
    4. Roger de Courcey and/or Nookie Bear
    5. Mr Gay UK

    Scarls, not everyone unfortunately.

    Chris, like who? You surely know Fabio and Dizzee? Colton is a niche interest kinda thang, admittedly, but Farrish, the Balham Balmalocha, must ring a bell? Meir, the Man with the Mission? My Blakey, Mr Amy Winehouse? Wake up!

    Dave, don't be coy. You must know Sir Philip of Paunchester! Where do you buy your leisurewear, you old flaneur?

    Gadj, Kev keeps it real, that's why he's charted. But I don't quite believe your protestations. You must know de Ridder, for example. I detect his hand in your quiff.

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  8. I hang my head in shame over Mr Perlmutter, but it's true - never heard of him. If he'd created Welshmanman, the most repetitive superhero, that would have been totally and utterly another matter altogether.

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  9. Are these gentlemen all drug addled haz-beens currently enjoying an extra 15 Warholian minutes o' fame on a UK version of Celebrity Rehab?

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  10. I vote for
    - My Dad
    - David Byrne
    - William Penn
    - Galileo
    - Dr. Who (most but not all of his carnatons)
    but not necessarily in that order

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  11. My, you like your nice Jewish boys don't you Mrs P? Just to prove I am NOT anti-Semitic, I find the following chosen ones rather pleasing on the eye:

    Sacha Baron-Cohen
    Simon Amstell (yeah he's gay but oy)
    Mikhail Khodorkovsky
    Nick Knowles (surely?)
    Robert Kazinsky (Sean Slater off 'Stenders)
    Daniel Cohn-Bendit

    Après tout, nous sommes tous des juifs allemands.

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  12. What is it I'm bubbling under? And will it wipe off if I get it on my waistcoat?

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  13. Bruges? To get your hair done?

    Oh, you mean de Ridder comes to the Thames Valley. Well, of course, only right.

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  14. Cheers, Mrs Pouncer! I'm not worthy.
    Yes, I am.

    *does a Winslett and basks in the afterglow*

    I'll let others draw their own conclusions.

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  15. Barry's right, Mrs Pouncer: 2009 is The Year Of The Teeth!

    I'd add (though I'm neither Semitic nor anti-Semitic): Jamie Farr.

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  16. Simon Amstell is gay!?

    I'm not looking forward to the phone call I'll have to make to my ever-optmistic mother.

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  17. Morning all. Boyo, we want to hear more of Welshmanman. What is his special power? Does he disguise himself as a Bard, with a crown made of wire coathangers and a Bri-Nylon nightie?

    Mr Coppens, another naughtster! You recognise this stellar lineup, so don't pretend otherwise. I urge you to keep up your gargantuan feat of flattery, however, on the promise of an entree into my inner sanctum.

    Wendolamarvola, you may vote for whomsoever you wish, including your dad and Galileo (nice link, there). We want to hear more of Dr Who's Carnatons, however. Feverish googling has supplied zip.

    Daphne darling! Spannend! Was konnen wir daraus entnehmen? Du bist witzig, glanzvoll, warmherzig, zeitlos. Genau. Ich bin skurril, belanglos, klischeehaft, durftig. Top list. Not a Zionist hoodlum in sight. Dany le rouge!

    Kevin, wouldja rather be Bubbling Under or In With A Bullet? You decide.

    Inklemann, yeah, Bruges. To get my hair done. You got a problem with that? And don't even think of carbon footprinting me, you git. It's all a load of jizm.

    Gadj, it WILL be Barry's year, if you and I have anything to do with it. Jamie Farr? Hmm. Not sure. Is he still alive? Not that that makes any difference. Look at Wendinska and her Galileo.

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  18. Sorry, Farrish, missed you. Meshane makom, meshane mazal.

    Boyo, yes, shame. Did you see NMTB with Amy guesting?
    Amstell: Complete the lyric - They tried to make me go to rehab, I said ....
    Amy (wearily): No no no
    Amstell: But do you think, in retrospect, it should've been yes yes yes?

    UPDATE
    5 MORE MEN WHO WILL NEVER FEATURE
    1. Bill Oddie
    2. Red Adair
    3. Thomas the Tank Engine
    4. Raul Castro
    5. A vile man, boring, ugly, presumptuous, boastful, who believed, although Christ knows why, that I would be happy to allow him to waste 4 hours of my precious time, listening to his unfiltered wankery, his fatuous jizmery, simply because he is the sort of fuckwit who is used to women remaining mute in his stenchful presence. Does he know who I AM, for fucksake? Christ on a bike! I am too old, and far, far, too glamorous and sought-after, to be cornered by pricks like him. Fuckwit. A close-personal of mine recently called a slum-landlord an "utter c*nt" to his face, at a family feast. I wish I'd had the guts to do the same. For the love of Christ! Deliver me from such nishkeits in future! In fact, I will make this public pledge: next time this happens, I will rise up, rise up, as if I had no choice, even if I cannot hear his voice, and say fuckoffyouuttercuntdoyouKNOWhave youanyfuckingideawhoIamfuckoffrightnowI'mleaving.

    Have a gorgeous day, one and all.

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  19. You TOTALLY forgot Charlie from Busted!!!! lol
    AND Julian Meteor, of course!!!!!!!!! pmslol

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  20. Welshmanman has the special power of revolving endlessly, coracle-like, and of course of repetition of course.

    I love Simon on NMTB. He makes Mark Lamarr sound like a 50s throwback.

    Whowever this drone was as dismayed you, I and my friends will render him into whatever form pleases you.

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  21. Hello, Julian! Hoorah! I have worshipped you from afar, natch; so thrilled to have you here. Charlie from Busted will not feature. His eyebrows do not match his hair. It is something I put great store by. I have a bouffant the colour of a raven's wing, and I make sure my eyebrows are thoroughly blackened by 7.00 am latest.

    Boyo, a git by any other name; unf. I have no record, but will try a memory exercise to see if I can at least dredge up his initials. I know where he lives, though. Wanker. And he was so fucking proud of his address. Prick. Have him birched and delivered to Big Mo Slater.

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  22. Gary Oldman's sister. I would have put him in my list except he's not Jewish.

    And Harvey Keitel. He is.

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  23. Gary Oldman... Robert Kazinsky... drool...
    I'm a bit mucky.
    Sx

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  24. What's a load of jizm? And (I've asked before, to no avail) what is wrong with jizm? It costs effort to produce.

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  25. On the school exercise books a load of jizm = 2 pecks

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  26. Mes chers amis! Gary Oldman's sister, you say, Daph? Good lawdy Miss Clawdy! No wonder she got the gig. And Scarlet, do stop drooling. Here, take this Kleenex ... I think Inky's finished with it .... well tear off the bits you CAN use, then. And Inky, you disappoint me. I had you down as someone who was an effortless jizm producer. Helmut, ta. Do you remember when the exercise book printers had to hurriedly incorporate the metric system onto the back cover? They used a font so tiny that I gave up. I am still thoroughly Imperial, particularly with cocktail shakers.

    Anyhoo, Daph and Scarls, your additions to the list are appreciated, but you can also join in with who SHOULDN'T appear. I give my latest update here:

    5 MORE MEN WHO WILL NEVER FEATURE:

    1. The utter c*nt referenced yesterday. Another crime: when I asked for a particular drink, the response was "I think you'd prefer this one". How dare a PRICK like that assume to know what I like? Fucking hell. Fuck off.
    2. Keith Chegwin
    3. Archbishop Makarios
    4. Major Bob Astles
    5. Little St Hugh of Lincoln

    I do hope this gives a further flavour of who is "in" and "out" with La Pouncita. Blessings, Cx

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  27. Donald Trump - him with the comb over hairdo. Looks like a walnut whip. He should never feature. Ick, ick, ick.

    Nicholas van Hoogstraten - lousy taste in domed buldings and mausoleums. He should never feature.
    Sx

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  28. Archibish Makarios was reputed to have a massive dong, according to Greek Cypriots of a less hagiographic persuasion. I think maybe you should put him back in.

    Three for your "no" list:

    Peter Stringfellow
    Bernie Ecclestone
    Jim Carrey


    John McEnroe has to be in. I saw chalk dust.

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  29. David Ick... another no no...
    Sx

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  30. Scarlet, Donald Trump and David Icke are both in Nowheresville, so a good call from you. Daphne, Makarios is saved by the strength of his schlong, and I agree that Peter Stringfellow and Bernie Ecclestone are beyond the pale. HOWEVER ... Jim Carrey escapes because I would; sue me, but I would ... and Nicholas van Hoogstraten survives because he has that small, mean mouth look that I like. It speaks to me of unawakened brutality ... um ... sorry, this broadcast is being interrupted ....

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  31. I think Ed Balls is a handsome man, but I am NOT in the slightest bit a puff.

    Beloved Mrs P, I referenced you in my latest published work. Have you ever, actually, visited Diss?

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  32. unfeatured males would have to include the guy that works down the chip shop who thinks he's elvis.
    Mrs. P. apologies for the feverish googling episode (though it does sound pleasingly raunchy), that will be Dr. Who's incarnations, with the 'in' and the 'i' cunningly removed during feverish tipping

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